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ok, stay where you are, be there soon
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
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