New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
the tv said "its small, its comfortable..." and i started laughing... safe to say he lost any dignity he had left...
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
Randomize
