i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
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