I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
This is what happens when wu tang raised you
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
there is glitter all over my balls
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
