oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
Strip club for my birthday. And none of this discrimination shit. We're going to a guys one and girls one. Go get your singles.
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
Randomize
