Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
Randomize
