I hate your face
i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
We both bought three foot bongs...going to race to see who can smoke a mile first.
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
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