OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
Should I tell Kevin that my finger was in his sister's ass last night?
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him. Go.
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
2048oz a keg...divide that by solo cup... comes out to 128 beers...simplifies into 5.3repeating cases...drinkable between two people
and u failed math?
i would rather have had this happen at a time when i wasnt tripping out on shrooms
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
Randomize
