Dude, I just had an awesome rave/orgy with like bunch of hot Asian chicks on a cable car. It was like being in a Gwen Stefani video, cept w/o the bad spelling
God, I love San Francisco.
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
Randomize
