Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
Does your throat ever get sore from being choked too hard or do u think I'm just getting sick??
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
Randomize
