I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
I'm allowing myself one mistake a year. He gets to be 2012.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
She has no problem going ass to mouth, but won't eat the pizza crust. I don't get it.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
Randomize
