hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
as a side note pls kill me
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
