So he thought it would be a nice gesture to show me his list of girls he fucked. There was 70. We then went through and put "V"'s next to all the ones that were virgins...
considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
Randomize
