I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
Randomize
