I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
