and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
If you make 120 dollars and I walk instd of drive and don't eat or smoke this week we can pay rent
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
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