he puts the penis in happiness.
I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
Totally forgot this... How weird was it when they were licking our faces
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
I just felt emotion and I'm not okay with it
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
Your dick is the only reason I have motivation to come back to school today
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