awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
its a sex-hate relationship...no love involved
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
Okay, just a casual question: how did i manage to get grass stains on the inside of my bra?
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
Randomize