we should go somewhere reaaaaaal shady
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
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