remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
just googled chastity belt to see if it really exist..
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
hr gave me pretxwk salad and a doubke shot of grey goose. i approve! tou guys are a beautidil couple.
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Randomize
