I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
Randomize
