I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
our health teacher's ringtone is Bad Romance and she has a tramp stamp. i will not skip this class, ever.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
Definitely didn't just make out with a guy the same height as me just because we wanted to see what it would be like to not have to reach up....
Randomize
