wicked high...have munchies. cherry flavor lube. problem solved.
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
Played never have I ever with high schoolers today. Needless to say they brought up threesomes so I had to make a judgement call and decided to not put my finger down
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
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