Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Randomize
