My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
Randomize
