I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
Randomize
