please come you make the beer taste better
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
I think you should just bang him and get it out of your system.
That's what you say about everyone.
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Soooo you're telling me you support us groom's men giving lap dances to willing patrons?
Randomize
