is it bad if i hope guys are like edward cullen and can read my mind. i could be a whore in disguise.
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
holy shit thats the most artistic dick pic ever
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
If there was a gecko involved in your BDSM I'm gonna have to request that not happen when we live together ;)
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
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