Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize