i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
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