he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
Randomize
