Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
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