i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
I wish there were college classes that were useful to your daily life, like how to pack a proper bowl in pitch black darkness.
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
Randomize
