where are you?
in the room with the baby pig
k im coming soon
Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
Jack off faster Americas best dance crew is beyonce themed
The best revenge is premature balding
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
can we get together and have a vodka water gun fight? i need to get som intense excersise/alcohol
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
Randomize
