Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
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