Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
What's the procedure for failed threesomes? Do I friend her on facebook this morning?
i love accidental penises.
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
a lady just got escorted out of the bar because she came in carrying a can of gasoline while smoking a cigarette....this place is the definition of class
you told me to make out with him to promote the social success of the sorority
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
Randomize
