K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
Randomize
