please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
Randomize