how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
Randomize
