shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
I want her autograph on my taint
Sounds good. Stay safe. I'm kind of drunk in a Food 4 Less right now and I'm having the time of my life.
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
