So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
I envy the lives of milf's kids, the little kid grabs her tits and she just laughs and says not now
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
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