i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
Randomize
