Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
I'm driving behind a lime green VW that has "Seniors '10!" shoe polished on the rear window. i haven't even seen her yet, but I do have a boner.
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
I think I'm emotionally ready to start being a slut again. I'm excited.
why yes, bad decisions will be made starting at 3PM Thurs through 8PM on Sun. You have been warned. Plan accordingly.
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize
