when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
His mom finally got over her shame and smoked a bowl with us. Merry Christmas to all aka me.
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
I am available for nakedness
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
Randomize
