just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
Ill go to bed but tamed sharks isnt so much of a bad idea. Not for riding
Package arrived for me from the gf while she's on vacation..under the bed bondage kit and new lingerie...my boner could drive to the airport
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
Randomize
