you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
Randomize
