you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
Another reason why I like dubstep now, it makes me feel even higher than I already am.
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
Randomize
