You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but a penn state hat. We are....
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
Randomize
