Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
Also, upon examining the photos, I have concluded that you were the sloppiest drunk girl of the night. And that's saying something considering Hurricane Jessica was in town.
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
i mean ive seen your left buttcheek how much more bro can this get
Randomize
