You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
Randomize
