so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
I told him his only options were from behind or me on top. I was not about to mess up my $80 blow out before graduation.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
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