Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
beach body workouts will consist of dancing and cocaine, and sugar free redbull
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize
