she is unbelievable! ever pee on a girl?
not while she was awake
A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
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