I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
She had her laptop open and there was microsoft word opend and all was written was "no italianoo"
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
I know I may be showing my age by saying this but this is the first time I have been eaten out in the parking lot behind the Clairmont Inn since 1990
Randomize