guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Randomize
