he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
I don't know what to think. Also, I decided to take a bath...sorry in advance if I flood the bathroom.
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
Randomize
